When I started this blog I told myself it would be a place where I could write down my feelings of how me and the girls are handling everything. But now I almost feel ashamed to let people in and admit to how I really feel. I have been going back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to write this down. But tonight as sit here by myself I have decided I want to stay truthful and I want to be able to have my true emotions written down. So how am I doing? Not good, not good at all. This is just so hard. I really can't think of a better statement than that. It's just down right hard. I absolutely hate being alone every single day. I hate that I have to always, always get me and the girls ready all by myself and then put a smile on when I go to church or are around family or friends. I feel sad all the time. And lately I find myself feeling jealousy and resentment towards anyone who is doing good or having good things happen in their life. I feel that I am turning into a horrible, horrible person for having these thoughts. I feel overwhelmed about all kinds of little things that I have to do and even someone asking me to do a small favor makes me so angry and again just overwhelms me to a great extent.
Interestingly enough the one thing that doesn't upset me is the thought of having another baby soon. This is how I know I've gone crazy. That should be my biggest worry, but it isn't. The thought of having another child is the one thing that brings me joy right now. My girls make me happy too, they stress me out or make me happy depending on the day. And of course I love Greg to death but being away from him for so long is really taking it's tole. I am thankful we can skype and see each other everyday but that is hard too. I mean think about it......do you have exciting things to tell your hubby everyday? I bet not. So some days Greg and I really don't have much to say to one another. He just worked all day and I just stayed home and took care of the girls. What else is there to say? But I feel this pressure to talk to him for as long as I can because I miss him so much and I want to see him. So we try to keep a conversation going as long as we can but some days there is really just nothing to say. And it's not like we can just sit together and connect in the usual ways couples connect. We can't eat dinner together or go out or even sit and watch our favorite shows together. So yeah skyping is not all it's cracked up to be. I guess I'm just getting sick of this life and I still have so long to go.
I keep hoping things will get better but it only seems to get worse and I just get more upset as the days go by. Then I get mad when I feel that people don't reach out to me more. But I can't blame them. No one knows how I feel or what they can do to help. I honestly don't think there is anything that can be done. Even when I do have company around or get out without the girls it just doesn't seem to help anymore. So right now things are bad and life is so hard. I feel that I am not myself anymore. I feel like I'm such a fake and I live a lie. People tell me I'm so strong which actually makes me feel so bad. I think, "if you only knew the truth." I just keep hoping things will get better. Maybe they will and maybe they won't. I know this is just my temporary life right now and once Greg is back things will be so much better. But that is a long ways away......so I still have a long way to go.