Tuesday, March 15, 2011

This is so hard.

When I started this blog I told myself it would be a place where I could write down my feelings of how me and the girls are handling everything. But now I almost feel ashamed to let people in and admit to how I really feel. I have been going back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to write this down. But tonight as sit here by myself I have decided I want to stay truthful and I want to be able to have my true emotions written down. So how am I doing? Not good, not good at all. This is just so hard. I really can't think of a better statement than that. It's just down right hard. I absolutely hate being alone every single day. I hate that I have to always, always get me and the girls ready all by myself and then put a smile on when I go to church or are around family or friends. I feel sad all the time. And lately I find myself feeling jealousy and resentment towards anyone who is doing good or having good things happen in their life. I feel that I am turning into a horrible, horrible person for having these thoughts. I feel overwhelmed about all kinds of little things that I have to do and even someone asking me to do a small favor makes me so angry and again just overwhelms me to a great extent.
Interestingly enough the one thing that doesn't upset me is the thought of having another baby soon. This is how I know I've gone crazy. That should be my biggest worry, but it isn't. The thought of having another child is the one thing that brings me joy right now. My girls make me happy too, they stress me out or make me happy depending on the day. And of course I love Greg to death but being away from him for so long is really taking it's tole. I am thankful we can skype and see each other everyday but that is hard too. I mean think about it......do you have exciting things to tell your hubby everyday? I bet not. So some days Greg and I really don't have much to say to one another. He just worked all day and I just stayed home and took care of the girls. What else is there to say? But I feel this pressure to talk to him for as long as I can because I miss him so much and I want to see him. So we try to keep a conversation going as long as we can but some days there is really just nothing to say. And it's not like we can just sit together and connect in the usual ways couples connect. We can't eat dinner together or go out or even sit and watch our favorite shows together. So yeah skyping is not all it's cracked up to be. I guess I'm just getting sick of this life and I still have so long to go.
I keep hoping things will get better but it only seems to get worse and I just get more upset as the days go by. Then I get mad when I feel that people don't reach out to me more. But I can't blame them. No one knows how I feel or what they can do to help. I honestly don't think there is anything that can be done. Even when I do have company around or get out without the girls it just doesn't seem to help anymore. So right now things are bad and life is so hard. I feel that I am not myself anymore. I feel like I'm such a fake and I live a lie. People tell me I'm so strong which actually makes me feel so bad. I think, "if you only knew the truth." I just keep hoping things will get better. Maybe they will and maybe they won't. I know this is just my temporary life right now and once Greg is back things will be so much better. But that is a long ways away......so I still have a long way to go.

6 comments:

Rosa said...

Andrea -- I love the person that you are -- I think we are a lot alike in some ways. Look forward to the sunshine (I am sure these gloomy cold days don't help). I really am here for you and I truly mean it!! I wish I could tell you ways to take the pain away but I don't know any. All I know is you are an amazing friend and you have many amazing friends. Use them -- thats what they (we) are there for!! I hope you call me even if you just want to talk and vent -- Its cool and its normal. I vent sometimes to people I don't know sitting next to me at les schwab -- believe me they will always see your point!!! I am here for you!!

Tyson and Tahnee said...

Andrea- I can't even imagine what you are going thru right now. Plus being pregnant, and having to take care of your girls would be dang hard. I'm way excited to see this new baby. You should have ten kids as cute as you and Greg make them. Hang in there girl! I'll keep you in my prayer. Keep smiling even if it's fake:)

Rachel B said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Rachel B said...

You are right about the hard. I couldn't even imagine what it must be like. And I think what you are feeling about not wanting to hear how great life is for others is normal. I feel the same way lots of times. I think it is good for you to write those things down, because soon this really will all be a memory and you will get through it. But it really sounds awful right now. I know that I feel really worried and sick sometimes when I think about what will happen to us when our money runs out here. I know that when Jeff lost his job a few weeks ago I just wanted to crawl in bed and stay there, and I felt so betrayed and helpless. I still do. But I had a Lord of the Rings marathan one Saturday and Sunday, and I know it sounds silly, but I just love those movies so much, they are all about somehow finding hope when there really is none. The part that struck me so profoundly this time when I watched it was one Gandolf told Aragon in the 2nd movie The Two Towers that Gandolf would find help when the King of Rohan took his people to Helms Deep. Gandolf told Aragon that he would come on the fifth day, but he told him "The Defenses will have to hold". Aragon replied without any hesitation "THEY WILL HOLD". I keep saying those words over and over again in my mind whenever I feel like I just want to scream because of Jeff's employment situation, and I feel alone and like things just can not possibly get worse, I think my defenses, my faith, my ability to try to do what I can for my family and my self..."They will hold". Just barley, but they will. They will hold for you too. YOu ARE strong Andi. You are half way there. YOur defenses will hold too. Maybe by a thread, but they will hold. The sun will rise. YOu ARE doing it. I believe in you and you inspire me. I love you and you are always in my prayers. LOVE YOU! And have a LOTR marathon. It will help!

Shauna Velasquez said...

What I see is a person who does a really good job of making the most out of the situation that she is in. I can't say that I know how you feel, but I can imagine how hard it is to be alone that much. But I don't think your smiles are fake. You are a kind, caring person who likes being around people and who does a really good job at making sure her kids are well taken care of and always have fun stuff to do. If you ever need anything let me know. I know I always say that but I mean it!

Valerie said...

Your honesty is so admirable. I wish I had as much courage as you, to say exactly how I felt when I felt it.