A little Relief

Well I have to say that writing is very good therapy. After I wrote the previous post I broke down pretty hard. Then the next day I had a good long talk with Greg and that helped so much. He truly is my best friend and can always make everything feel right once again even if it only last for a short while. I love him will all my heart and just being able to let everything out and have someone tell me that all the anger and hurt I have is justifiable felt so good. And so many of you wrote such sweet, inspiring words that is helping me as well. I also realized that if things are really this bad I can either sit here and continue to cry and stomp my feet or I can try to change the little things that I can. So that's what I'm doing and it is helping. Like I said before I have felt very overwhelmed over all kinds of things. So I'm starting to just tell people "No" I'm not being mean but just declining to do certain things that I know will set me off and only put me in a bad mood. I feel that I don't need that right now and I'm a better Mom to my girls when I'm not so stressed. I also got a blessing from a good friend last Sunday and I truly believe that has helped lift my spirits. I'm very proud of myself for taking these small steps and I feel the weight being lifted off my shoulders. Don't get me wrong I am still sad and have lots going on in my head and unfortunately still feel a little bitter about certain things but the past couple days have been better. Probably the best I've felt in a long time. I know I can get through all of this. My faith, strength, love, energy, patience and devotion....they will hold. They will hold until things are right once again.

This is so hard.

When I started this blog I told myself it would be a place where I could write down my feelings of how me and the girls are handling everything. But now I almost feel ashamed to let people in and admit to how I really feel. I have been going back and forth as to whether or not I wanted to write this down. But tonight as sit here by myself I have decided I want to stay truthful and I want to be able to have my true emotions written down. So how am I doing? Not good, not good at all. This is just so hard. I really can't think of a better statement than that. It's just down right hard. I absolutely hate being alone every single day. I hate that I have to always, always get me and the girls ready all by myself and then put a smile on when I go to church or are around family or friends. I feel sad all the time. And lately I find myself feeling jealousy and resentment towards anyone who is doing good or having good things happen in their life. I feel that I am turning into a horrible, horrible person for having these thoughts. I feel overwhelmed about all kinds of little things that I have to do and even someone asking me to do a small favor makes me so angry and again just overwhelms me to a great extent.
Interestingly enough the one thing that doesn't upset me is the thought of having another baby soon. This is how I know I've gone crazy. That should be my biggest worry, but it isn't. The thought of having another child is the one thing that brings me joy right now. My girls make me happy too, they stress me out or make me happy depending on the day. And of course I love Greg to death but being away from him for so long is really taking it's tole. I am thankful we can skype and see each other everyday but that is hard too. I mean think about it......do you have exciting things to tell your hubby everyday? I bet not. So some days Greg and I really don't have much to say to one another. He just worked all day and I just stayed home and took care of the girls. What else is there to say? But I feel this pressure to talk to him for as long as I can because I miss him so much and I want to see him. So we try to keep a conversation going as long as we can but some days there is really just nothing to say. And it's not like we can just sit together and connect in the usual ways couples connect. We can't eat dinner together or go out or even sit and watch our favorite shows together. So yeah skyping is not all it's cracked up to be. I guess I'm just getting sick of this life and I still have so long to go.
I keep hoping things will get better but it only seems to get worse and I just get more upset as the days go by. Then I get mad when I feel that people don't reach out to me more. But I can't blame them. No one knows how I feel or what they can do to help. I honestly don't think there is anything that can be done. Even when I do have company around or get out without the girls it just doesn't seem to help anymore. So right now things are bad and life is so hard. I feel that I am not myself anymore. I feel like I'm such a fake and I live a lie. People tell me I'm so strong which actually makes me feel so bad. I think, "if you only knew the truth." I just keep hoping things will get better. Maybe they will and maybe they won't. I know this is just my temporary life right now and once Greg is back things will be so much better. But that is a long ways away......so I still have a long way to go.

Valentines Day PJ's from Daddy

The other day the girls and I got our Valentines Day presents from Greg. He is so so thoughtful and sweet. He sent Pajama Grams to all of us. The girls pj's are super cute because they came wrapped in a little dog house with a stuffed puppy. The girls loved it.

I like their shirts the best and I am so thankful to have such a sweet, loving husband who always thinks of me and his little girls.

Greg got me a pair of nursing pajamas which will come in handy in about 2 months. They are super cute and I'm sure there will be plenty of pictures with me in them once the baby is born.
I also just wanted to add this picture of the girls. Every night after they have had their baths and are ready for bed Layla always points to the floor and says, "Eva here, here." So Eva will lay down and then Layla will proceed to climb on top of her and start tickling her. It's really cute and they both laugh and laugh. What sweet little girls. They're Daddy's little Valentines for sure.

Like a Duck

Today at church a sweet lady came up to me and said she could tell I wasn't having a very good day. Maybe it was because I was crying uncontrollably in church? And so she asked, "Is everything okay? You always seem so happy and put together.....but not today." I said, "Yeah it's just a bunch of little things. I'm just having a bad day." Then she said, "So you're like that duck on the lake. You look so calm and peaceful on the surface, but take a look underneath and you're kicking like crazy doing everything you can to stay afloat." And I thought, "I couldn't have said it better myself." Then I cried some more.

Before I Became a Mother

I hate this time of year. It's cold and ugly outside and the kids get bored on a regular basis. This is the time when I start longing for spring. So we can get out! I always feel this way but this year with Greg being gone it's a little worse. Well better in some ways and worse in others. The mornings are pretty good. Monday through Thursday we have something every morning whether it is preschool for Eva, playgroup or story time at the library. Plus I try to have a play date at least once a week with some of my friends. But the afternoons, evenings and weekends are becoming torturous! Without Greg being here to help it's up to me to keep these girls entertained morning, noon and night! And oh boy it's taking it's tole. To give you an example this was my day yesterday.
I got up, got myself and the girls ready for the day and made breakfast.
Skyped with Greg.
Went to play group.
Came home, made lunch.
Put Layla down for her nap.
Talk on the phone a little and got on the computer while Eva watched a movie.
Once Layla woke up I got them a snack.
Then I proceeded to......do puzzles, the lite Brite, play I Spy, sing songs, color, play house and make a fort with the girls.
Made dinner somewhere in between all of that.
Snack, bath, stories and bed.
By the end of the night I was so done. Couldn't wait to have the girls in bed so I could just relax and watch a show that doesn't involve sing-a-longs or cartoons. I love my girls to death but man there is only so much playing I can do before i want to pull my hair out! So then I started to think about how much being a mother has changed my life. How different things are. And so I will leave you with this......
Before I became a Mother.

Before I became a mother I never new what a corn dog taste like.

I didn't realize that my daughter would think 6, 5 or even 4:30am was an acceptable time to wake up & start the day.

That it's not uncommon to have Snow White, Finding Nemo, Bolt, Sherk or Toy Story playing in a continues loop all day.

That when a toddler is sick they will NOT tell you when they are about to throw up and it WILL end up all on you!

Before I became a Mother I never realized that it is inevitable that the minute you sit down to take a break after vacuuming, putting away clothes, making dinner or taking the trash out your child will ask for...a drink of water, a snack, a toy they can't reach or something else that will make you get back up and on your feet. ( I think my girls have this one down perfectly)

That your child will change their mind on what they want for breakfast, lunch or dinner only after you already made them the first item they asked for.

Eating with one hand while bouncing a baby on your lap or better yet nursing a baby is just an everyday occurrence.

Before I became a Mother I never new that at some point in your toddlers life they will do at least one if not all of the following...play with their poop or someones poop, pee the bed, eat dirt or a bug, play in the toilet, unroll the toilet paper, spill nail polish, makeup or red juice on the carpet and last but not least have a major melt down in a public place that will cause you to almost, not actually but almost resort to some sort of child abuse.

That when little girls get their feelings hurt it is the end of the world and takes lots of hugs and kisses before everything is alright.

Before I became a Mother I didn't have "Goodnight Moon" memorized.

Or realize that it will be a long time before I can take a shower or go to the bathroom without an audience.

And that your purse will always have a diaper, wipes and candy in case of any emergency.

Before I became a Mother I never knew that this would all be worth it.

Secret Revealed

Today the secret was revealed. I had a knock on my door after coming home from church. But instead of finding just one family revealing that they were our secret Santa I found a whole group of people. About four adults and too many children to count from all different families in my church were standing at my door. As they sung "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" and gave us our last piece to the Nativity (baby Jesus) I of course started to cry. I was just shocked to realized that it was such a big group of people wanting to bring such joy to me and my girls. After they were done singing I had kids saying things like "I knocked the first night" or "I was the one that gave you the candy" etc. Those children are just so sweet and seeing all their smiling faces at my door was so uplifting. As I thanked them over and over again they all started asking Eva for hugs goodbye and I again just felt so thankful for all these loving people in my life. And to those wonderful parents for teaching their children and mine what the Christmas season is really all about. I feel that they have helped fulfill my grown up Christmas list this year.

And then I cried, and cried and cried.

Just a few hours ago I heard a knock at my door. I opened it to find a small bag on my door step with Merry Christmas written in crayon on the front. I took the package in and thought, "oh how sweet someone dropped off some cookies." But when I reached in the bag I pulled out this

As soon as I held this I realized that someone has decided to do the "The 12 days of Christmas" or "Secret Santa" for my family. And I immediately began to cry. For one I was over come with gratitude that someone would think of my little family and want to do this for us. And two it made me realize that I guess during this time when Greg is gone we do need these little uplifting moments more than ever. I have already cried about three different times sense this package was delivered but they are tears of joy. To know that there is a family who thought of me and my girls and wanted to do this for us is just so touching to me. I feel so blessed to have support from so many people while Greg is gone.
Along with the stable there were three candy canes in the bag and this paper with #1 written on it and this scripture.
Luke 2:1-3
1. And it came to pass in those days, that there went out a decree from Caesar Augustus, that all the world should be taxed.
2. (And this taxing was first made when Cyrenius was governor of Syria.)
3. And all went to be taxed, every one into his own city.
So for those of you who have never heard of this basically we will get a gift each day for 12 days with another scripture telling the story of Jesus birth. Of course when I explained this to Eva she got very excited and can't wait for another mysterious knock on our door. I am just so thankful for whoever has decided to do such a sweet thing for me and my family. It means more to me than they will probably ever know.